5 years.

Some of you may know (or vaguely recall) how I asked Kayla out. It was an exceedingly awkward moment in time.

The characters:

1. a pale-skinned male with perpetually flushed cheeks who (mistakenly) thought he was awesome and (correctly) thought he was about to score a total dish [a girl who has it all: looks, wit, intelligence, personality] who was obviously head-over-heels with him; his entire wardrobe consisted of 51 50 hats, muscle tees to show off his scrawny arms, chunky skater Reeboks, and poorly-patterned zip up hoodies; at the time, he thought he and character 2 were playing in the same league, but he would soon realize it was not so
2. a deliciously sun-kissed, lightly-freckled, brown-eyed angel of girl whose laugh could bring light to dark rooms and whose smile could make you forget Newton's very well established law of gravity; her eyes could instill courage enough to face an army of dragons, and her words were more soothing than any ointment or salve; her clothing all was carefully calculated, always tasteful, appropriate to the occasion, and never out of style; she was the closest thing to heaven that character 1 would ever encounter in this mortal life

The date: July 27th, 2008.
The time: somewhere around 2 AM.
The location: a park by her best friends house, lying on the grass, hoping the sprinklers wouldn't turn on before I had asked her the fateful question that would change the course of my life...forever.

But before I could get the question out, I, rather unfortunately, vocalized my awkwardness leading up to that point, and it looked something like this:

Character 1: So, uuuuhh...I've kinda been wanting to ask you if, uuuh...you would want to be my girlfriend.
Character 2: ...okay.
Character 1: ...yeah...haha [see? awkward.]
Character 2: Well then, ask me.
Character 1: ...alright, then. Kayla, will you be my girlfriend?

I don't remember what words were exchanged after that point; all I know is that I am now married to her, so she must not have said "no".

Today commemorates 5 years since I asked her if she would go steady with me, and I write to  you now as a happily married, faithfully besotted husband and father-to-be. I can only thank God for allowing me the chance to spend any amount of time with this woman. She has such a deep love for people, for God in and through our Lord Jesus, for virtue and beauty, for family...she contains in her soul wisdom that she should not possess at only 22 years old. It is a joy and a pleasure to talk with her, to walk with her, and to live life with her. God in heaven has held her as a torch and set fire to my soul. And for that I am eternally grateful.

What have I learned? I've learned that I don't know too much. Not about life, about her, about myself, about God, about family, about...anything, really. Through her God has shown me dark, vile places in my heart that would have spread like a cancer to the rest of my being had she not labored alongside me to dig out the bad roots and plant good seed in their place. I've been humbled, very humbled. She knows so much about me, and she remembers so much about me to the very minutest detail, important or otherwise, but I have a hard time remembering what she told me just 5 minutes ago. It's difficult for me to think much of myself when standing next to someone who is so good at loving me as she loves herself. She has taught me so much, and I dare say that I would do better to model her life than most anybody else's.

It's my prayer that, should you desire someone to spend your life with, that you would find someone like Kayla. Someone that you can respect and look to as an example for your life, someone that challenges you to be a better you, someone that helps you realize and push forward to apprehend the purpose of your existence - to know and be known by God.

Darling, if you read this, I want you to know how special you are to me. Thank you for 5 years of loving, of learning, of failing, of growing; thank you for letting me be your nerd-bomber. I wouldn't want to be awkward with anyone else. And thank you for gently showing me that you, my bride, are way out of my league.







P.S.: My wife has some thoughts about today, too. Go check them out here.

why blog?

Good question.

I've tried journaling on more than a few occasions through my life and it just never seemed to stick.
Don't get me wrong, I love the smell of leather-bound, gold-edged pages just as much as the next bibliophilic journaling wannabe (and I have the collection to prove it!). I love separating the pages, feeling the ink slip out of my pen and onto the paper, leafing through to the next wide-ruled set of lines. Of the 15-20 or so journals I've bought since my teen years (I'm now 23), most of them contain a few pages of the familiar "Dear Journal" rhetoric, and then somewhere around 100 blank pages following. The exceptions to the usual "blank pages following" trend were those rushed moments that I needed to write down the confirmation number of the new journal I just ordered and couldn't find notebook paper, but my previous journal was handy and, wouldn't you know it, there was plenty of blank space for writing information down!

For some reason, I never became a regimented writer; just a collector of barely-used journals. Come to think of it,

I've never really been a regimented anything.

 

It's not like I don't have thoughts. I have plenty! Some of them are funny, some off color, some deep, some shallow, some small, some big. They come in different shapes and sizes, they strike different chords with different people, and they even effect me, the thinker, in different ways. And you know what they have the tendency to do once I've thought them? Disappear. Like a drop of Red #40 in a 50 gallon drum of Hawaiian Punch, my thought is lost among the high fructose corn syrup, sugar, and other natural flavors of life. I don't suspect that all of my thoughts should be saved, but the ones that have worth - that have the flavor of wisdom, that are fizzy with timelessness, or have an aftertaste of glory - I don't want to let those ones escape. It is those drops, those thoughts, that I hope to catch in mid-fall and preserve for future generations.

 

What would the thoughts of the great thinkers of yesteryear be to us if they had never been written down? What if they had not taken the time to spill ink after plumbing the depths of a great conundrum? What if the most profound questions, answers, and statements had never been accounted for? Perhaps those same thoughts would have been formulated by someone else. Of that possibility we can only guess. But what I do know is that I'm glad to have, written in journals and books, the great thoughts of great men and great women who dedicated themselves to leaving no great thought un-recorded.

I don't think my thoughts or my life could be considered "great"; but if they reveal a truth about God, about reality, about life or living, then they are great because of the object of my thought, not by virtue of my ability to think. There have been thoughts that I've thought in times past which excited me, awed me, humbled me, and moved me, and I wish that I could now remember them. I hope to never feel that twinge of regret, that "O, how I wish I could remember" feeling, again.

 

Therefore, I now blog (who knows for how long?). Enjoy my thoughts if you take interest in them. I will warn you ahead of time: I am very regular, boringly normal, monotonously...monotonous. But I promise to be real.

 

Why blog? Because on the off-chance that I say something profound, something worthy of remembrance, then it will remain, long after I have passed, to encourage and inspire a future generation.